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Usenet Humour

Define Windows 95?

I always thought this to be the most concise definition not only of Windows 95 — in a way that short sentence encapsulates neatly how Information Technology works (or rather doesn't work):

This one also hits the nail squarely on the head:

The Penis Length Survey

The following posting comes from the earliest times of the Usenet, circa mid-1981 when it was still a nice, clean place. It doesn't prove much, but at least we can surmise that the really important questions are even now, more than thirty years later, still really important.

I have embellished the text with a few carefully thought-out remarks [in these]. Okay, here goes:

Men are notorious liars about their penis length [Oh, are they indeed?], so I have devised the following short and foolproof test [foolproof? This chap is clearly a hopeless optimist]:

  1. Disrobe [perhaps not really appropriate in a cube farm] and stand by your keyboard [he means keyboard turned by 90 degrees]. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the 1 key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key [yeah, everybody knows lumberjacks carry the biggest testicles]).
  2. Grasp your *thing* [exactly: that one] in your right hand and slap it firmly [but please not too firmly] across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my [this means his, not my] result is 1234567890-+ with the backspace key having removed the ` [nice detail, this one. Or is he one of the notorious liars?].)
  3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy [oops, don't have it handy, sorry], open to the centerfold [I don't know what the heck is to be seen there] at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your _thing_ on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl [ah, a girl] pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground [levitation?]. Repeat the above test.
  4. Please post your results to net.general [no, please don't] and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.

Cautions:

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

Test Results Diagnosis
1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.
12367 You have a strange gap in your penis.
12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.

Communism vs Capitalism

Another favourite from the Usenet, also rather ancient:

The Frog

This one is self-explanatory.

Great Lines From Job Evaluations

Here's what you always suspected the guys in Human Resources are really doing — writing up funny reports after another successful job interview. A sample of their output follows:

Some Eternal Laws And Truths

Everyone knows Murphy's Law: whatever can go wrong will go wrong. (This is of course the watered-down, optimistic version.) Murphy has spawned many other laws, corollaries and observations. Here is a sampling of the more important ones:

If you liked these splinters from the net and want more of the same, I gladly oblige.


$updated from: Usenet Humour.htxt Sat 18 Jan 2014 13:51:02 thomasl (By Thomas Lauer)$